So this is my opinion, please don’t get offended and if you do you probably agree with me deep down inside. I experienced my first heartbreak when I was 21 (young and naïve) I thought that I knew what love really was. I believed that the never ending butterflies when he would call or text, the making plans into reality was real, and he would never do anything to hurt me was going to last forever. WRONG! I truly got the meaning of the phrase that “love is blind”. Because when the relationship started I had just turned 20 and I was still in the mind set that life was basically Candyland and then I had this dream man so I was winning. (Again, Wrong).
While I was having these dreams of grandeur he was living a totally separate life outside of me. I would constantly hear things about him cheat and even some of the things he would tell me about not answering his phone and him going missing not being able to account for the time, did make me question and in the pit of my stomach I knew that something wasn’t right. I thought that I had a great thing going and in my heart I felt he wouldn’t be that crazy to mess up anything with me (oh how I do not miss being young and dumb). I should have paid attention, because in the back of my mind I recognized this behavior, however I couldn’t quite put a pinpoint on it. I was in this dream world with this man for almost a year, when he decided to leave me for another woman (now, that’s that hurt) yes he left me that young woman who had a decent job for my age at that time, learned how to cook just because I knew he loved home cooked meals, made sure our sex life was phenomenal, listened to him twice as much as I talked, and made sure he knew I loved him with my actions and my words.
I had a hard time pinpointing the behavior because as a child and a teenager it didn’t bother me it bothered my mother, you got it my boyfriend was exhibiting behavior of the man who raised me (great dad terrible husband). Heartbreak is necessary especially when you come up with your own belief system that everything has to be perfect and even if you have to ignore a couple of little things to keep it at your level of comfortable happiness. Unfortunately it’s the small things that you have to catch at the beginning to avoid all of the other foolery. I didn’t handle my first heartbreak well at all, (first of all, I’m dramatic as hell) I felt as if my heart was actually hurting I tried to drink it away, sleep it away, self-medicate it away, but with all those things no matter what I had to get up sober and think about it all over again. I would start with the beginning and try to track down what it was that made us hit a brick wall and it all come crashing down. The worse thing that I did do was compare myself to the other woman like what does she have to offer that I didn’t (big mistake). I went on like this until my mother came to my house and sat on my bed and said (I know it hurts, but you have to get back to life and know Kelli it won’t be the same, however you won’t be walking around with blinders on anymore”. I was still crying when she left, because all I could think was “easier said than done.
I got out of bed the next morning thinking I could do this, I just had to stop feeling sorry for myself. New memories had to be made it was not easy I will not lie to you, however it was so necessary, because my mom was right I didn’t have blinders on. I made a list of all the goods things that I learned during the relationship and the two biggest lessons I got from that was ALWAYS follow your gut and how to love and for that I will forever be grateful. I approached the whole dating process differently I let men that were interested in me show me who they really were so I could make the conscious decision whether I wanted that in my life or not. I embraced myself and searched for who I truly am and what I really wanted from myself and my relationships. Heartbreak sucks, but you can either let it damage you to the point you settle for anything that comes your way or you can allow whatever broke during the heartbreak become reattached to you like armor and make you a beast. To me heartbreak feels like you keep hitting your pinky toe over and over again on the side of your bed post, so to avoid that pain you watch your step because you know where the post is and you move in a different way to prevent that hurt, that could lead to worse damage same thing with heartbreak. Heartbreak is necessary because growth is necessary, and pain is one way to help you with that. It may knock you down but I promise you if you just find the strength somehow to pull yourself back up (mine was my son) you will wonder why you were losing your mind to a certain degree about one person when there are so many available options made just for you. And when you know better you do better. I will always say “heartbreak sucks, but it is necessary, because only the strong can survive it.