The thing is you meet people and say things like… It feels like I’ve known this person my whole life, and the reality is you haven’t known this person your whole life. I’m very much so the type of person that when I vibe with someone (which doesn’t happen often) I lose all logic, because my heart always seems to override my logic. I am the type of person to love first ask question later and I’m spiritual so I always believe in signs.
So when I met this guy I was without a doubt thinking he is a good person, because his name is a prayer. I mean like how much more of a sign is that do I need….. his name is a freaking prayer. However, I didn’t know the prayer I just knew that it had a name. At the beginning of our friendship he was so transparent, consistent, and so much more and we developed a great friendship (that I would always treasure), then things changed overnight. I believe that no matter what people have a past and they are fighting things inside their heart and mind that no one else knows anything about it. Even if the have told you about it, you can empathize, but you don’t really know what is going on when they are alone.
I like to help people, because I’m a people person, so if a person that I am close to starts to withdraw I get paranoid like crazy, simply because I care (maybe, I care to much at times). With him though I didn’t want the friendship to just sail away because he was an intriguing person, but he had some real issues going on. Not like he was crazy, he just needed to be by himself to make things better and I had a hard time accepting that. So I finally looked up the prayer that happens to be his name and one part really caught my eye, “God, grant me the serenity to accept things that I can not change”. And that hit me like a ton of bricks. I’m a “fixer” and it’s hard for me not to be able to help somebody to the compacity that I think or feel that they should be at.
Which then lead me to realize maybe I try to fix other people because there are things that I need to fix about myself. I have many flaws… I moody, I get easily angered, I’m messy (I hate folding laundry), I’m senseless in the way that I love so easily, I’m restless, I get impatient…. etc. But loving other people is the way that I cope without having to actually deal with me. So, now that I look back maybe his name alone was what I really should have been paying attention to, because I needed to accept the fact that there are things in me that I need to change and accept the things that I can’t change about MYSELF. Within any relationship or friendship there is a lesson that is going to be learned and my friendship helped me to understand…. change happens not when we want it to, but only when the person sees it and recognizes it and is determined to fix it. I can’t fix anyone not even a friend that I love dearly if I don’t fix myself.